A Look Inside the World of Polyamory
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I first met Sabine on a rideshare* from Nelson to Vancouver, an 8-hour drive. She was driving the van that carried us and three other passengers. We hit it off, partially due to her being German, and especially from Bavaria, which is where my ex-wife is from. I reminisced of the food that I miss (leberkäse, käsespätzle), which she promised to cook for me one day (and she did).
She was going to Vancouver to attend a conference for Univera, a health product she sells. She also mentioned that she was heading to a polyamory meetup that night. That perked my ears up. Turns out Sabine is in an open relationship.
I’m fascinated by this. I like the idea of it, but I know that there is no way I could handle being in one myself. I admire people who are that secure and trustful to be able to do this. Of course, sometimes people in these types of relationships fall in love with another partner and leave their current one (I lived in a house in Halifax where that exact thing happened to one of my roommates), but this happens in monogamous relationships too. The difference, I think, is that there is more honesty in the open one.
Wanting to learn more about this lifestyle, I thought I’d ask Sabine some questions. Grab yourself a nice cuppa and settle in; these are sage words of advice, not just for polyamorous relationships, but for monogamous ones as well.
CL: Umm…if I may, how old are you?
I’m 46.
CL: When you first heard of polyamory (open relationships), what was your initial reaction?
Cool…seemed natural.
CL: When did you first start exploring polyamory on a more serious level?
When I was 22 I had an open relationship. It was quite dysfunctional. My next serious relationship was polyamorous and somewhat more functional, but the relationship itself was already ailing, so did not last. Polyamory is what ultimately brought it to its needed end.
CL: If I remember correctly, you “fixed” your current relationship with your boyfriend by opening up the relationship. From stories I’ve heard in the past from friends who have tried this, I came to the (premature) conclusion that this is not a way to fix a relationship, that in order for polyamory to work, both partners need to go into the relationship already comfortable with this idea.
Why do you think this worked for you two?
I would not say I fixed my relationship. There was nothing much wrong in my relationship — in fact, we were such good friends and so enjoyed each other’s company, that we spent a lot (almost too much) of time together; it was easy and natural. We had our usual share of arguments, but worked things out fairly quickly. Our relationship was very healthy.
Here is a bit of background to that, which also answers your question about the difficulties we’ve had along the way:
When I met my partner I decided I wanted to be monogamous for the first time. This was a necessary step for me, since I had, up to that point, not been able to allow true intimacy (i.e. show my vulnerability) with previous partners. So that’s what we did. We grew close, intimate, worked through old conditioning (my partner is an amazing human being, and was able to help me through some deep trust/communication/acceptance of self, you-name-it-issues).
We came to a place of deep intimacy and trust, have always had great sexual chemistry and great friendship. Then, two years ago, when we had been together 6 years, we came to a place where I noticed that I was becoming bored (isn’t that the human condition? we need stress to grow) and uninspired. We decided, on my suggestion, to open our relationship.
This immediately took away the boredom/lack of inspiration, even though during the first year, neither of us had any involvement with others, we just talked about it, but felt liberated and happy. Last year we went to ZEGG (a polyamorous intentional community in Germany). I had been there twice before with my ex-husband, and knew it would be good for my partner to experience first-hand what polyamory was like in a communal/supportive setting. That’s when our polyamory started for real, we both had a lover there, and lots of support, and the environment was very nurturing. It was a fantastic experience and there was exponential personal growth.
The first few months after we returned home were extremely easy, rewarding and super-inspiring, because none of us had any serious involvement with others, mostly playful and not a lot of sexual involvement. We talked about it a lot, and felt our horizons and our relationship expanding tremendously.
However, after we returned from ZEGG, I also found the people in this area in general very closed-minded and full of stereotypical prejudice about polyamory, even among the ‘cool’ folks we knew. So this spring I searched on the Internet for a poly community, so we’d have support and friends to share our concerns and questions and experiences with, and chanced upon a dating site that was frequented by a lot of cool people of various sexual orientations and lifestyles.
When I found this site and suggested to my partner to join it, things changed a little. To cut a long story shortish, right now he is deeply involved with a woman he met on okc, and I am finding it, at the moment, very challenging. I, on the other hand, have lots of contacts and opportunity, but no deep emotional involvement, so am not becoming sexual with anyone with the very occasional, casual sexual encounter being the exception. I have found casual sexual encounters can be delightful, but that is not what I am ultimately looking for.
My core desire is to create community/family with loved ones (like ZEGG), where people are committed and live in close proximity, or at least spend significant amounts of quality time together. So, why is it hard for me when my partner does exactly that? Old trauma, often from a preverbal age resulting in fears of abandonment, being left out, being replaced, etc., and hundreds of years of social conditioning.
What an opportunity to heal those old issues, which otherwise may not be addressed, since it is not strictly necessary in a monogamous relationship to address those, unless someone is having an affair (and then it becomes ultimately more difficult). My partner is being amazingly loving and caring, and patient, and I am learning to walk my talk. Sometimes it feels like I’m living the most blissful Utopian lifestyle, and sometimes I want to run away because I’ve had it with pain and processing (but I never do, because I know everything I run away from comes with me while I run).
So, I agree with you, Carlo, polyamory does NOT fix a broken relationship, but speeds up the break-up. You have to have a relationship where people have a high degree of honesty and emotional self-sufficiency, and don’t look to their partner(s) to fulfill all their needs, and have very good communication skills. Fear, pain, jealousy will inevitably come up, and not just ‘in the beginning’. The only way to deal with them is to own them fully, to feel them, communicate them, put them into context, and breathe through them. The reward is immense emotional maturity, strength, a much greater depth of relationship with those one loves, and self-knowledge. I would call it a spiritual path.
CL: How has opening up the relationship changed things for you guys?
When things became very difficult for a few weeks, we talked about the option of going back to a monogamous relationship, but both of us felt that we would be robbing ourselves of a great treasure. We are both expanding, changing, and ultimately becoming more interesting, well-rounded, self-aware, sexually and emotionally confident people, which in turn makes our relationship unusually exciting and rich.
One of the most important lessons to learn is that there is no limitation on love. For example, when my partner shares a loving bond with another woman, this does not mean that there is less love for me, or less sexual energy, or less emotional energy. Mostly it’s the opposite: my partner is inspired and feels good about himself, and he brings that positive energy back into our relationship. Somehow, interestingly, the more we share our love, the more love there is to share.
Even the most painful processing seems to bring us closer; our hearts open wider and deeper, and we become more vulnerable, real, honest and therefore, we create more trust and intimacy with each other IF (!) we don’t harm each other more than the relationship can bear/than is healthy during arguments, i.e. not use harmful ways of communicating (blame, accusations, projecting, etc.)
The toughest lesson is to practice control of what we say and how we say it, a skill that is pretty handy everywhere in life. The other big lesson for me is not to project my inner concepts/patterns/ideas onto reality and make it into my own story, but to check in with my partner first what is happening for him, how does he see it, how does he feel. Constant communication is necessary, and refusing to run with an idea in one’s head and making a situation bigger/worse than it actually is.
I think, in a monogamous relationship, often people ignore that they are changing, because looking at their relationship as a stable, never changing unit gives a (false) sense of safety. They become identified with their relationship (and I’m not saying that to diss monogamy — there are some healthy monogamous relationships out there, even though I have only seen very few).
In a polyamorous relationship, change is ever visibly and tangibly present, and therefore, it feels more real, more alive, more vibrant, and more exciting. It’s a way of living one’s acceptance that nothing in life is ever stable, that everything is always changing, and to find a way to flow with those changes, allowing the relationship and oneself to go where it wants to go while cultivating trust and love and caring for one another. Knowing that your partner may not always stay your partner makes for a fresher outlook, less chance of taking each other for granted. It’s like the spiritual warrior teaching of walking through life as if death is sitting on one’s shoulders — one lives life more acutely, more fully. Same with the ability to love and appreciate your partner in a poly relationship.
CL: What advice can you give to couples who are thinking about doing this?
See above. A healthy relationship as a base to start from. Communication skills a must. Emotional self-sufficiency is non-negotiable. Knowing and communicating one’s needs helps immensely.
CL: Do you have any favourite online resources in the world of polyamory?
There are many, but I don’t use them all that much. I prefer to read books, and the two I read and helped me most are The Ethical Slut and Opening Up. I have found them to be extremely helpful, and advise people to read them first before they embark on the journey of polyamory!